I’m a “GOOD ENOUGH” mother

I am far from perfect, but i’m good enough. And I know that this will benefit my children more than perfection ever could.

You had a terrible day. The house was a constant mess, your kids did not listen to a single thing. The second something was clean, it was dirty again. Nothing seemed to go right. They whined, they requested everything and anything. You yelled a lot. Then, you felt immense guilt. And because you felt guilty you didn’t make the kids clean up the mess, they learned nothing and you felt guilty about that too. Sound familiar? Guess what? IT’S OK TO HAVE THESE DAYS! As a parent you wear so many hats. Every day will not be perfect, and the kids actually NEED these imperfect days and moments to learn. It helps them to learn failure, to problem solve and learn how to make it right, and let go and move on.

Imagine if our kids only saw perfection every day. They never saw your husband and you have a disagreement. They never got reprimanded. The house was always spic and span. Where would any lessons occur? How would they learn to problem solve? First of all, being perfect isn’t possible. It’s just not. No matter how hard we try. To try to be perfect actually CAUSES stress and frustration, because it is unattainable. Children NEED these “imperfect” moments that cause such mom guilt for us. Remember this, because all of our problems have been answered. The solution to mom guilt is in the following paragraphs. BREAKING NEWS: It’s actually BETTER to be a “good enough” parent than to be a “perfect parent”. It’s actually been studied.

As parents, we put our standards WAY TOO HIGH. An amazing therapist (who hopefully will come on here to spread her knowledge!) told me about the Psychologist Donald Winnicott. He studied and wrote about “good enough mothering.” It’s all about taking away the “should”. As moms, we always think “I should have done that. I shouldn’t have done that.” Guess what? What you do is enough.

Why aren’t mothers born with 8 hands?

We are enough.

It won’t always be perfect, or easy, but their smiles make it worth it.

The phrase “Good enough mother” was first coined in 1953 by Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst… ummmm 1953?! Why is this study not yelled from the rooftops on the daily. Why am I (and possibly you) JUST learning about this?! Winnicott observed thousands of babies, and their mothers, and he came to realize that babies and children actually BENEFIT when their mothers fail them in manageable ways. Manageable ways, so we’re not talking major crisis like abuse and neglect. “The good-enough mother is one who makes active adaptation to the infant’s needs, an active adaptation that gradually lessens, according to the infant’s growing ability to account for failure of adaptations and to tolerate the results of frustration.”- D.W. Winnicott.

Good enough parenting stresses being there for your baby in every way possible, over time. It means being sensitive, loving, and caring. It means being both physically and emotionally there, and meeting and addressing her needs. It encompasses everything we do as a parent. Cuddling, feeding, oozing with love. It means giving your baby a comfortable home and place where she feels safe. It means sacrificing our sleep to sustain their needs. These parenting techniques change and adapt with your babies needs as she grows. When our babies are infants, we try our best to be available to them all of the time, and we respond to them immediately. As soon as we hear a cry we try to figure out if they’re hungry, need a fresh diaper, or have a tooth coming in. We do whatever we can to make them feel comfortable again. This “good enough” parent is not the “perfect parent” and she recognizes that it is not possible to be all of these things and to do all of these things ALL OF THE TIME. It isn’t sustainable. We can’t do it forever, and in fact, we shouldn’t do it forever. As time goes by, we need to allow our children to experience small amounts of frustration. We continue to be sympathetic and caring, but we don’t immediately respond to every single cry. This was Winnicott’s message… the way to be a good enough mother is to in fact be a good enough mother. Children NEED their mother to fail once in awhile so that they can live in the real world. A world that is not perfect all of the time. A world where you need to experience failure in order to learn and grow. If a mother caters to her child’s every need for too long, and does not decrease it gradually and naturally, the baby’s growing sense of a real external world, apart from himself is interrupted. In essence, he’s living in a fantasy world and that isn’t possible or attainable in the real world. He will believe that simply having a need leads to immediate fulfillment. According to Winnicott, this is an illusion, although it is a necessary illusion.

More over, the “perfect parent” might get extremely stressed and not be able to deal with their baby feeling discomfort, frustration, or anger. The “perfect parent” might go to all lengths to try to stop their baby from feeling and experiencing these uncomfortable emotions. By doing this, you are not allowing your baby to express these feelings because they are negative to you. By doing this, you are responding expectantly so that the baby does not have a chance to even become frustrated. How will the baby ever learn to deal with negative or uncomfortable emotions? The “good enough” parent acknowledges that their baby needs to be responded to quickly and compassionately, especially in the early months, which provides the baby with the experiences of being cared for and therefore it helps them to learn how to self-soothe over time and allows them to tolerate waiting. Babies NEED to experience the feeling of frustration little by little, over time. The good enough parent encourages this range of expression (happy, frustrated, laughing, crying) and can tolerate the baby’s feelings without letting the baby’s feelings consume their own. Again, no one expects perfection. The crying will get to you once in awhile, and will probably make YOU feel like crying. But you will be able to tolerate it and allow your child to grow and learn.

It is a true balancing act. At first, you have to attend to their every need. Gradually, you allow them to experience frustration, and disappointment a little bit at a time. As the child grows, so do these lessons. They remain appropriate for his or her developmental age and physical age.

Now, for my favorite part. The concept of “good enough parenting” recognizes that THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO PARENT. Let me say this again… there is no right way to parent. Parenting is done in many different ways, by many different people. Parent A can parent differently than Parent B, and both ways can still be good enough by giving sensitivity and responsive care. This will differ for every kid. One child may need a different amount of sensitivity than another, and one child might need more attention and parent responsiveness than another. It all depends on the unique needs, temperament and development of your baby. Babies do not need perfect parents, they need parents who do their best to meet their needs in a sensitive manner, and in a responsive manner, most of the time. It’s ok to not be the “perfect parent”. This continues into their older years. Yelling doesn’t make you a failure. Do your best. It is not always going to be perfect. But you’re enough for your kids. You will yell at your kids. But they will still love you more than the moon and the sky. You will not be able to give them everything that they want, but they will respect your work ethic and that you try to be the best that you can be for them.

So many of us moms are not ok with not being “good enough”. But it IS ok. There is too much pressure on the daily. After reading this, I want everyone to realize that “good enough” does not equal “not good enough.” There is no right way. It isn’t about whether you’ve cooked a homemade meal every night of the week, or throw the perfect, Pinterest worthy 1st birthday party. There is no right dinner time or bed time. Unfortunately, our view on the best way to parent has become a lot about these things, and these things totally miss the point. As we mentioned before, children benefit from imperfect parenting.

If our kids don’t have our attention the second that they want it, it’s ok. This will teach them patience. If we are on the phone, or working, they have to wait. If we can’t give them all of our attention when they want it, they will learn to share our attention. If we can’t get them the snack or drink that they want, or the toy that they want the second they want it, IT’S OK! If they are old enough, they will start learning independence, and that mom or dad won’t or can’t get them what they want when they want it, and if possible they may even learn to get that snack themselves! Double win. Not being available to them the second they want our attention (if appropriate) will get them ready to live in a world that will inevitably frustrate and disappoint them. Our kids need to learn, in small manageable, appropriate ways, a little bit every day, that the world does not, in fact, revolve around them (GASP!!!) Their every want, need, and ask won’t always be given to them. “YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WAAAANT…” is my favorite song to sing to my little monsters. Life can be hard and frustrating, and they need to learn and acknowledge this. They will be hurt by friends, disappointed by people… they won’t always get their way. They will need to compromise, and despite these disappointments and frustrations they will be ok. Let them see your mistakes, tell them when and how you messed up and the steps you took to fix it. Let them see you upset, and show them your process of how you make yourself feel better. Tell them when you overreacted, apologize if it was toward them, and explain the emotions you were feeling. Use these things that can be viewed as negative experiences as beneficial teaching opportunities.

Let them be little… crab hunters in action

Embrace the mess.

If our kids are never disappointed and never experience negative situations, they will not be able to handle and successfully manage challenges that come their way. They will have zero ability to problem solve and compromise. They will never learn that it is ok to be bored, sad, disappointed, annoyed, angry, or any other negative emotion. However, when you learn that it’s ok to be a “good enough parent” and let them experience these things, they’ll learn that when they do experience these negative emotions and situations that they WILL get through it. And building this knowledge and resilience is the best gift that we could ever give to our children.

So, the next time they demand pizza and you don’t have it, or there’s another need that they have that we can’t possibly fulfill because they demand 1,000,000 things a day, please remember it’s ok. They need to and will learn that they can’t get their way all of the time, and they WON’T get their way all of the time. Not at home, not at school, not in the real world. If you cater to their every need, you are setting them up for failure. You are creating a child who can’t tolerate disappointment, even the smallest amount. And I know there’s not one of us that want that for our kids. We want strong, resilient, kind, compassionate children. We get it right most of the time. And in those times that we don’t, our kids will feel annoyed, frustrated, maybe even mad. They may feel let down. But these moments teach them that life isn’t always easy, and there is always a solution to a problem. They can and will deal with it. And in those small moments where you may feel bad because you feel like you let them down, please realize that you’ve also given them a tool that they will use far into their future. You have taught them an imperative coping skill. You are giving them the gift of independence. When they have a problem, and figure out a solution, they just got smarter, and stronger. That is what being a good enough mother is. So allow yourself to be a “good enough” mother, and feel damn good about it!

Stay real, find balance, and help us create a world free of spoiled, entitled kids… there I said it.

I’m a good enough mother.

A rare moment of peace… that lasted 3 minutes. Literally.

XOXO,

Lyndsay