This weekend sucked. And i’m fine with it.

Well, this weekend was shitty. Man, I try so hard to stay positive, to find the silver lining… you know, I write about it all the time. But this weekend just SUCKED. And you know what? It ain’t always a walk in the park. I’m going to allow myself to wallow in it a bit before I pull myself back together, and move on. I cried… a lot. I lost my shit, I felt like all the work that I had done came unravelled. I tried to analyze and figure out what caused it. Last week, my whole body broke out in hives and I had to get a GIANT dose of steroids injected into my arse. Was it a reaction to the steroids coursing through my veins? Was it the stress with my daughter Siena finally coming to a head? She has global developmental delays, and at almost 2 isn’t confidently walking (she’ll balance and take a couple of steps), and isn’t talking. She had a 3 hour procedure to get tubes and have an ABR hearing test done a week and a half ago. They want her to wear hearing aides to help with her very mild hearing loss, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that yet because she already seems like a different child since having the tubes placed. She can hear a plane flying by, so i’m confused and conflicted with what the right thing to do is. But I deal with it calmly and strongly, and always talk it through with my husband, and figure out what we think is best… did I finally boil over from the stress of dealing with one problem after another for 3 years? (The pregnancy wasn’t pretty either). Is it the upcoming genetics results that we’re getting in a couple of weeks? I’m scared shitless to find out what’s in those results.

And to top it off… guess what. We had fucking LICE. So, I spent Saturday fighting (which hasn’t happened in more time than I can remember), and spent Sunday getting lice removed from our heads, cleaning the house from head to toe, and putting everything in the drier that fit. Through this, and all the other “unfair” bullshit that has been coming my way, I have to think of the positives. I got to see my dad today. I made a huge piece of art for him that he has been wanting, and he will get to look at on his wall every day. Siena has been independently standing again more, and she has been so much happier since her tube placement. She’s talking more. The boys are digging our new hot tub, and so excited to start camp. Faith’s hip is on the mend once again, and she’s looking at schools, and a bright future.

Yes, there’s lice treatment centers, and yes they cost a small fortune.

Me and my dad <3

Now it’s a new week. I’m going to focus on the good that IS going to come. The beautiful weather, the fun summer memories that we are going to make. I’m going to pick myself up, remember my strategies, deal with what happened and do better next time. I’m going to forgive, even if people aren’t aware that they need to be forgiven. I’m going to be proud of the work i’ve done, and i’m NOT going to let the words of others affect me. It’s so easy to feel defeated. The hardest part is pushing through. I let myself wallow yesterday, Today, Monday, is a new day. And I control what that looks like.

Whatever comes with my baby girl, Siena, we will deal with it… just as we always have. She’s SO happy. She’s so smart. Her newest amusement is when she farts… haha!! She toots and looks at you and smiles, and then tries with all her might to toot again. I swear, only she could make that look cute. She’s so much more aware of her world. She’s understanding everything. I told her to lie down to get a diaper changed and she did it! I asked where her glasses were, and she pulled them up from her neck to show me. These are all HUGE milestones! She’s aware, and she’s her. And I wouldn’t want her any other way.

I let myself go a bit during this quarantine, and I was the heaviest I’ve ever been (not pregnant, or postpartum). I got a handle on that, and I’m healthy once again. I’m aware of the choices i’m making… even though the wine still calls my name. I’m lucky… so lucky. I WILL get through whatever bullshit comes my way.

We all have a breaking point, and with so much going on, and all of the little hiccups that continue to happen it just builds up and builds up and it’s bound to erupt. It may not be comfortable. No one wants to be or look vulnerable. Especially in front of others. It can be hard to stand up for what you believe is right, when you're usually the one making the peace. To hit that boiling point is very unsettling. It will have you up at 5 AM overthinking everything. But let yourself feel it, deal with it, and then LET GO AND MOVE ON. This is one of the '“norms” at our elementary school that the teachers use for the kids, and I literally say it everyday to them AND to myself!

Siena needs my full attention. My kids need my full attention. My husband needs my full attention. Not bullshit fights. Not lice. Siena. My family. And my God, they have it. Nothing else matters. She WILL see her mom happy, positive, and being her biggest damn cheerleader. Even when it comes to farting.

And my goodness, i’ve done something right with such happy kids. The boys were oblivious to anything negative that was going on. Their ability to only see the positives, and their constant excitement for life is awe inspiring. I feel so proud to have raised them. Their excitement for their sister is amazing. Her older sister, and brothers are her biggest cheerleaders. IT makes me cry such happy tears. They root for her daily, and it is my absolute greatest accomplishment. The bond that the four of them have and this little team that we’ve created will forever be my pride and joy. Faith is here 2 days a week, and in Michael’s world, nothing is complete without her. And she would do anything for her siblings. Goal fucking achieved. Family first. So, i’m going to take the time to evaluate where I went wrong this past weekend, and I’m going to fix it. I’m healthier again. I have amazing friends. I’m an amazing mama.

best buds.

always requesting a foot massage.

blurry but had to capture this sweet moment.

Give yourself some grace. Give yourself a break. Don’t wallow and feel sorry for yourself, fix it. Figure out a solution. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s possible. Instead of drowning in your sorrow try the following. Face it head on. Write about it, or talk it out with someone that you trust. Do what helps you to think- go on a walk, take a bath, whatever will bring you clarity. Give yourself space from the people or things that might trigger you. And most importantly, think about what you can learn and take from it, and how you can grow from it, and benefit from it!

So, when you feel like you’ve lost your footing, whether it be in general, or after such a long good stretch, like in my case, look to the most important things. Are your kids smiling? Is your family a strong unit? Will you ultimately get through this small little bump in the road? In my case, will the results of a genetics test change a damn thing? Will it change Siena’s strong will, or her family’s love for her? (HARD NO). And most importantly… the lice is GONE mo fo’s.

Stay real, find balance, and stay lice free.

XOXO,

Lyndsay