It’s ok to not be ok.

May 25

We are in trying times right now. It is unknown territory, it is scary. Our kids are confused. We’re going stir crazy. We don’t know when things will resume to normal. Give yourself a break. Give your kids a break. And try your hardest not to worry. When things DO resume, we’ll all be in the same boat. Our kids will all be at a different level then they would have been. Your best IS ENOUGH. And our amazing teachers, that have been working so hard to continue to teach our kids, and be there for them emotionally, will get them to where they need to be.

A rare day when they are actually getting their work done… In spiderman costumes and all.

Try to know and accept that there will be a wide range of emotions, both for yourself, and your kids. It’s ok to not be ok. I’m going to repeat that a lot in this article. In the same minute, I go from being so happy to be able to spend so much time with my kids, to screaming in frustration at them for one thing or another. I go from feeling safe and ok, to being terrified of every new development. I go from feeling grateful to everyone who is working so hard during this pandemic to help us, to angry for not having enough answers. Accept these feelings. They are normal, they are ok, and you will be ok. If you need help, reach out. There are many therapists offering video chat sessions. Utilize them. Call a friend, call a family member. Go for a walk or a run. If your not comfortable with any of that- reach out to us! Put your kids to bed early, and take time for yourself. Try to recognize your emotions, and accept them. It’s ok to feel them, it’s ok to lose your shit, and it’s also ok to feel happy during this weird period of time.

Even if this wasn’t all happening- just in every day, regular life, we’re not always going to be ok. It took both Nicole and I a long while to get to where we are now. We have both had times where we just didn’t feel happy or ok. We have both figured out ways (FINALLY!) to get to a good place. We have both recently had huge breakthroughs. We both had our own set of circumstances, and realized we weren’t ok for one reason or another. We got the help we needed, we learned to accept our emotions, we learned that it was ok to take time for ourselves (for so long ALL of our time and energy went SOLELY to our kids and to being a mom), and we are both at a great point in our life. Don’t get me wrong, 95% of our time is all about our kids, and we wouldn’t have it ANY other way, but we realized how important that 5% of self love time is. It makes us a BETTER mom, a calmer mom, a happier and more playful, and involved mom. Whether it’s getting our nails done, taking a weekend away, having a girls night in, or a movie night with our husbands. It is important. It is necessary. Don’t feel guilty for it!!

Kids are in bed, bravo is on… oh, and WINE.

For me (Lyndsay), there has been a lifetime of situations and different time periods that has led me to this happy point. Right now, during this pandemic, I have the daily mom guilt that I’m not doing enough, that they’re watching hours and hours of TV, that they’re constantly on their iPad, that I’m failing them in some way. When in reality, I’m wearing many hats, and they think I’m a pretty cool teacher. During this time period, James learned how to ride a 2 wheeler, and doesn’t wear pull ups at night. Siena took her first steps. Michael has come SO far with his writing. Faith is learning to drive.

I had my kids, and became a nervous nelly. I’m a homebody, and going anywhere was hard. I didn’t want it to interfere with a schedule. My need to control took over. With each kid came SO much happiness and love, and also, a new set of challenges and emotions. We tried for my daughter for awhile, and when I got pregnant with Siena, the entire pregnancy was so hard. I didn’t know how to handle my emotions. My poor friends had to hear me ramble on. I googled too much, and probably tortured everyone with my worry. I didn’t know how to handle these emotions, I didn’t know how to NOT be ok. They told me early on I would lose my sweet Siena. My HCG levels never doubled, or went up as they should. Yet, every appointment there she was, growing stronger and stronger. Then, I had a really bad bleed. I ended up having a hematoma. With the amount of blood I saw, I didn’t understand how my baby girl could possibly be alive. But again, my little warrior proved EVERYONE wrong- even the doctor who asked me when I wanted to schedule my D & C. Yup, that happened. That same doctor told the nurses that they needed to stop giving me hope- this baby was not going to make it. Our angel baby came on July 11, 2018. She was perfect, but quickly put in the NICU due to low platelets, choking episodes and jaundice. She spent almost 2 weeks there, and then came home with us. Around the time she was supposed to start sitting up, we noticed the delays. She didn’t hit any of the milestones. She started PT, and OT early on. She got a special education teacher, and started speech. We started seeing a pediatric developmental specialist searching for answers. Now, at 22 months old, she took her first steps on Mother’s Day and our miracle baby has come so far. She is starting to talk a lot more, and continues to amaze everyone around her. Yet, we still have no answers. We are scared, but optimistic. But I also, try not to cry or allow myself to be upset because I feel like it will jinx things. I NEED to stay optimistic for it to be ok. I have to feel like it will be ok, and that one day I will be chasing around a typically developing crazy little girl. We will continue to search for answers. We will continue to hope that this is just her normal, and one day we won’t notice a single delay. On top of that she is at the stage where she is so frustrated because she wants to do more, but isn’t confident enough yet. She is constantly clinging to me- I call her my little koala bear. I get so frustrated… she sees me and just cries because she wants to be held. I am tired… so tired. Michael has never had trouble going to sleep in his entire life, and now as he’s approaching 7 he all the sudden can’t go to sleep by himself. They are all super attached to me right now. But then all the frustration melts and it all seems to be ok when I ask James why they are all attached to my hip lately and he responds, “Because we love you!” Man, I must be doing SOMETHING right. I am learning to be ok with not being ok. In regards to Siena, and just every day life, I have some days where I’m ok, and others where I am not. I have an amazing support system- the best friends I could ask for, the best husband and kids, the best family. I am so lucky. I have an amazing therapist. It took awhile to find someone that I connected with, and if that’s the case for you, PLEASE don’t give up looking. The right person is out there. Keep looking, it is so important. I have learned coping mechanisms, I have learned to understand my feelings, and again, I have learned how to accept a range of emotions and that it’s ok for things to not be perfect all the time. And so will you.

For me (Nicole), I function well on a routine, as I know so many of you do too. I was such a stickler in terms of schedules with my kids when it came to naps, and eating. I needed to have my days mapped out so I could visibly know what was ahead of me and what was behind me. I liked making lists and crossing things off of them. It made me feel accomplished to know what I had finished. It was my way of controlling the chaos, and with having 3 kids in 3.5 years- there was a lot of chaos!!! My kids always went to bed at the same time every night, I needed that, they needed that. I loved having time to myself every night after they went to bed to put the house back together, watch Bravo, or even have a night out with friends. As much as I loved being a mom and a wife, I also loved quiet time, time to myself, time to recharge. Since all of this has happened, I’m finding myself mostly not ok. Some days are great, and some days I barley make it through. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids with my whole heart and I would give anything for them, but most days I feel like I’m drowning. My husband has been working this whole time… a lot. I love that he’s a hustler and that he works as hard as he does. With that being said, I’m left at home with the 3 girls to feed, school, bathe, launder, play and keep happy. It’s a lot. And it’s hard. Phebie broke the bathroom door handle because I would go in there for a few minutes just for a time out- to get away and take a couple deep breaths by myself just so I didn’t react in a way I would regret. (is it ok to admit that?) As soon as I would remove myself from the girls fighting, whining, complaining, nagging or crying, she would follow me to the bathroom and freak out that I wasn’t with her. She would pull and shake on the door handle until, one day, it broke. This “new way of life” is like water boarding. No matter how optimistic I am in the morning, I am a wreck by the end of the day, and all I can think about is the kids zoom calls that I have missed, or how I didn’t go through Bertie’s sight words yet again, or how many hours Phebie has been on youtube kids, or how I totally forgot to go to my friend’s son’s bday parade- the list goes on and on. Mom guilt is no joke. But, with all of that being said I’m lucky that I get to be with my children. I get to teach Bertie at the age of 7 how to do laundry, the girls and I planted seeds for a garden and in time will eat the vegetables that grow from the seeds WE planted. We are creating memories, memories that they will always have, and one day when all of this is in the past, they will remember the fun things we did. The hikes we went on, and the frog eggs that we found, the late nights they stayed up and the fun board games we played, the endless loaves of banana bread we baked, and all the hours they spent on their bicycles and 4 wheelers in the church parking lot. I’ll also hold so close to my heart the time we spent with the Cafagno’s. We are like a big family with a ton of kids between us. Our kids love each other like they are siblings. They fight like siblings, and they love and protect each other like siblings. I’ll never forget the morning James learned how to ride his two wheeler, all the kids were screaming and jumping for joy- they were all so proud of him. Poor Siena- she has so many older siblings that love her so much, and constantly smother her with their love. They are constantly encouraging her how to walk- she has her own personal cheerleaders! As easy as it is to get swept up in the waves and let the waves and pull me under I always try and focus on the good that has come from this and watching my girls grow as little individual humans. My advice? When it’s hard, repeat to yourself the good that has come out of this. What have you learned? What have your kids learned? What can you do to make it feel ok once again?

There are certain signs that both Nicole and I get when we are not ok… when we’re feeling extra stressed. We get jaw pain from clenching, the typical nervous stomach, knots along our shoulder blades which sometimes shoot into our arms… sleep doesn’t come easily for me, especially when I’m stressed. As we’ve stressed over and over again- it’s ok to not be ok, but it’s important to try and get yourself back on track.

Here are our top 5 tips to do just that:

Exercise: When we don’t exercise, we don’t feel good. It’s that simple. We tend to need a good hour to run, or do strength, but lately, even just a walk is better than nothing. Do what you can. If you don’t have someone to stay with your kids, there are so many amazing apps, and youTube videos that you can do right at home. Either have them do it with you (for some reason they think it’s sooo fun), or plop their butts in front of a tv, or send them to the backyard, and do that workout! My favorite workout app is the 30 Day workout challenge. They have legs, arms, full body, butt and abs with three different levels- easy, medium, and hard. When you take the time to carve out some workout time you will feel good, you will be more patient, you’ll be better not only physically but mentally too.
Get outside: Whether it’s watching your kids play, going on a bike ride or a hike as a family, or sitting on your porch with a glass of wine as they run around. Get that vitamin D, breathe that fresh air, and listen to their laughter. These family moments are the moments they will remember.
Talk to someone- whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a relative. Who balances you out? Who can talk you off a ledge. Who can remind you that it will all be ok without diminishing your feelings. Who can you vent to and not feel judged?
If you need more than that, talk to a therapist. As we said, they are working over video chat, and I am so happy that I can still have my sessions. It’s important for me, and it helps. Reach out if you need to.
Meditate: We’re not great at meditation, so our version of meditating is getting away for a few minutes and taking deep breaths. Others can meditate in stillness for an hour- if that works, do it! There are also amazing meditation apps, that teach you how to meditate, walk you through amazing meditations, and give you coping mechanisms. A great one is the Headspace App.
Take “me time” when you can: Whether it’s an hour workout, drinks with a friend, a zoom call, tv and wine when your kids go to sleep, or a dinner with your husband when they are asleep. Nicole and I are so lucky to have each other. Since we’re quarantined together, we have a drinks and trashy tv night every Tuesday, because it is NOT girl time while momming and schooling our kids. We need this girls night to remind ourselves that we are something besides mom. We are friends, we are women, we deserve this time and FUN!
Now repeat after us, IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK. But acknowledge it, and do something about it. You have to deal with your shit, you can’t bury it. We got this.
Stay Real. Find Balance.
Lyndsay & Nicole

Lyndsay Cafagno

It’s ok to not be ok.

Out of the mouth of babes…

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