The Internet broke parenting.
By guest blogger: Dr. Rebekah Diamond
In the “good old days,” parents followed a few basic pediatrician-approved rules—send your kid to school, give them healthy food, say I love you—and felt confident that they were raising their children well. But now even the basics have become needlessly complicated.
Today, new parents have access to more information than ever before—but they also have more reasons than ever to doubt it. Modern parenting advice comes from two very different and often-conflicting sources. On the one hand, you have the “mommy blogs,” filled with anecdotes that are personal and accessible. On the other hand, there are the official pediatric organizations (such as the American Academy of Pediatrics, Center for Disease Control, and World Health Organization) which present a never-ending list of rules and regulations that, while based on good science, often ignore the realities of parenting and the everyday challenges that stand in the way of following rigid guidelines.
As a pediatrician-in-training, before I became a mother, I recited these rules to parents and expected them to do everything as outlined: Minimize screen time, breastfeed exclusively, exercise perfect discipline, and never, ever, co-sleep. The Internet, filled with nonsense, should never be trusted. But when I became a mom, my world was turned upside-down. I immediately violated many of the very rules I had issued as a pediatrician. When my daughter had trouble latching, I gave her formula. When my parents bought her a baby-walker, a supposedly dangerous toy I’d advised countlessfamilies to avoid, I shrugged my shoulders and let her play with it. When she got sick, or even a bit fussier than usual, I turned on the TV and let the screen tag in as the babysitter. And after years of preaching the importance of structured family meals, I even found myself hosting “toddler picnics,” when on particularly rushed mornings I shared breakfast with my nine-month-old, served on paper towels, sitting on the floor, to maximize efficiency and minimize mess. I couldn’t believe that for years I had been so black-and-white with my patients, rigidly defending guidelines and best practices I now know areimpossible to follow perfectly.
At work, I swapped war stories with fellow pediatrician moms, confessing how I had forgotten to brush my infant’s teeth for the past week, or had served a bottle of breast milk left on the counter a few hours after its expiration. All of my coworkers had made similar choices, also shocked that they had ever been so rigid in their recommendations. From mild violations like extending pacifier use to the cardinal sin of modifying rigid “safe sleep” practices, every pediatrician mother admitted to making compromises and breaking strict AAP rules.
I also did the unthinkable: I started reading mommy blogs.
I was both validated and shocked. I understood immediately why so many parents turn to these funny and humanizing websites as their sole source of information. “Guilt-free” parenting essays, blogs and social media accounts appear as lifeboats in an ocean of stressful, unrealistic expectations. When the American Academy of Pediatrics commands that babies sleep in their parents’ room for a whole year on the same handout that they promote excellent and important safe-sleep practices, it’s hard not to simply lose trust and turn elsewhere.
But “guilt-free” parenting isn’t the answer. The science is lacking, and the guidance can be downright dangerous. Bloggers seeking free products plug unsafe items. And even the best websites often mix good information with pseudoscience so seamlessly that it’s impossible to tell fact from fiction.
This online information overload has made it impossible to sort through parenting guidance, let alone find a one-stop shop for reputable and realistic advice. When my daughter was born, I pieced together blog-based advice with my own expertise and scientific articles, but never truly felt that I had a guidebook that I could trust. I wondered: Why isn’t there a source of parenting guidance that combines the compassion, humor and realism of modern blog-style writing with real and up-to-date science? One that not only presents a more balanced overview of the evidence, but that also adds both the expertise of a pediatrician and the experience of a real-life millennial mother?
It’s what I decided to create, and why I’m obsessed with helping parents shut out the noise and #parentlikeapediatrician. My website and Instagram are inspired by the very real questions I’m routinely asked, not just by my patients, but by friends feeling overwhelmed with the sheer amount of information available to them and the frustration of trying to follow the rigid guidelines their own pediatricians preach.
Parenting is more complicated than ever, and I’ve spent years examining the evidence and integrating this data into my clinical and personal practice. Sorting through the science, staying up-to-date on health and safety recommendations for kids, and knowing how to translate data into clinical advice is literally my job. As a a fully boarded pediatrician, my training includes four years of medical school, three years of pediatrics residency, plus continued daily work in my clinical practice. I know how little evidence we have about many hot-button parenting topics, and I’m not afraid to admit when the experts are engaging in mere guesswork. But there’s enough science, and plenty of pediatric clinical expertise, to create safe and realistic guidance.
I hope you’ll check out @parentlikeapediatrician and let me know how I can help you on your parenting journey. Until then, I want to leave you with a few key messages. First, while there is no one right way to parent, there are some safe and reasonable options that can guide decision making; in many cases, rigid schedules and rules are less effective than sound philosophy that you can adapt to your own lifestyle. And while “guilt-free” guides are tempting, you can’t ignore science if you want to keep your baby—and yourself—healthy and safe. Don’t forget, parental health is infant health. Taking care of yourself benefits your baby more than most of us appreciate. And remember, anyone promoting a quick fix or all-of-none approach is almost always selling something. There is no gap in your parenting that needs to be “fixed” with shopping or consulting services, and your consumerism should be driven by fun and convenience, never by parenting guilt.
At the end of the day, we can keep the baby and toss the bathwater, remembering that good science and clinical insight are still important—but only matter if they are translated into guidance that is realistic and reasonable enough to be followed. I’m here to give realistic advice that understands the everyday challenges today’s parents face in a way only a pediatrician and mother can.
The internet may have broken parenting, but I’m here to fix it.
Dr. Rebekah Diamond is an Assistant Professor at Columbia University and hospital pediatrician at NewYork-Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital. She is also the mother of a young daughter and uses her experiences to provides safe, realistic parenting guidance at www.parentlikeapediatrician.com and @parentlikeapediatrician on Instagram.
