What is Directing your Happiness?

When I was 16 years old, I came up with a concept I called core identifiers or sometimes, core directives. If you and I have met, and we’ve sat down over anything…coffee, wine, tea, a cookie, you know that this is something that I live and breathe.

I didn’t come up with this at 16 because I was a young prodigy on human behavior or because I majored in anything (although, I sort of did). It was all centered around the way I grew up and derived as a mechanism for survival and a chance at healing.

Let’s start with what I first tell people:

A core directive is something that you practice - or haven’t practiced enough - that changes your mood instantly. Everyone, every single human, has a set of particular actions that make them immediately happy or swiftly knock them off their feet. Understanding what these are give you the ability to create an internal foundation that is rock solid. An internal balance.

Now, let’s talk about where I came up with this and what I normally don’t tell people:

me at 2 years old.

I grew up with the dysfunction that comes with alcoholic parents and grandparents. My father, a merchant marine, was charming, wickedly smart, had a stack of DUI’s, and slowly distanced himself from family due to his addiction. Divorced from my mother, when I was young, I only saw him on occasion. My step father, a mechanic, was also an alcoholic. He married my mother when I was 6. He was constantly angered that I, or anything, would take away from the constant attention of my mother.

At this point of my life, I did what most kids do: attempt to imagine the beautiful and live on. One of my favorite after school activities was running to the mailbox and seeing what exotic postcard my father sent. He was very pressed on my education and even through the slurs, would enforce that on me.

The thing with alcoholism, however, is that you are on a rollercoaster. There is no security, no balance.

The Birth of Core Directive #1

We lived on this rollercoaster for many years and with each passing climb, the downfalls got scarier and scarier. I began to find solace in going for walks and playing with the neighborhood kids. On a particularly heated interaction of resentment and exaggerated behavior between my mother and step father, I left the apartment to go “play outside.” I was 10 and it was raining. Hard. I stood in front of our apartment contemplating what to do. What was worse?

So, as you guessed, I walked in the rain. And although I don’t consider this directive, I do love walking in the rain to this day.

Anyway. No one was outside, the street was eerie and empty. I turned toward the main road where our local church was situated. It was sort of glistening. A beautifully constructed building: detailed doors, big wide steps, and stained glass making color refractions all over the place. I walked up to the doors and went in.

The pews were empty and every step I took was echoed through the cathedral ceilings. I sat in the last row. And I stared. I was never baptized as my father was an atheist and my mother didn’t care one way or the other. A nun walked out and sat with me. She didn’t question why a 10 year old was soaked and sitting in her pew. We just talked…about what, I’ll never remember. From that moment on, I went to the church to visit and for mass. I asked if I could be baptized and was on Easter of that year.

Having a place where I practiced my spirituality, was completely key for who I was and who I would become.

Enter Core Directive #2

The fights got worse and the anger towards me got worse. My mom was working long hours to sustain the small apartment we lived in and my step father was diving into bottles of self pity and loathing. I was 13 and my father had disappeared about 2 years prior. I had my aunt and uncle who did everything they could to give me some balance and I had the neighbors who at this point knew something was up.

On the night the cops were called, I stood in my room shaking and wondering what they did to one another. My neighbor, a friend’s father, walked in behind the cops and took me to their place for the night.

The next day, my mother came over to let me know she thought it was best that I didn’t go back home. She asked that I stay where I was.

Now, we know that 13 is tough already, add in the fact that my parents were jerks and being jerks…an anger built up inside me. I was grateful and kind to the people who took over my mother’s role but I leaned hard into 90’s grunge.

To fund my collection of Jenco jeans, I got a job at the local women’s store. The bus would drop me off at 3pm and I would either walk back to the neighbor’s house or my mom would pick me up on her way from work so she could give me the ride. Occasionally, her and I would walk into the bookstore in the shopping complex.

Walking through the novels, poetry collections, coffee table books gave me instant peace. Even more so, I found a book about a character who had moved around a lot, and the author’s rhythm/poetics spoke to me. I quickly discovered that writing anything in a notebook centered me, gave me meaning…regardless of what was happening around me.

What to do with awareness?

For three years I bumped back and forth from neighbor’s homes to my aunt and uncle’s house and even to living with my mom when she finally left my step father. I was on a ride I had no control over and I didn’t want to be angry. I didn’t want to fall subject to other people’s mistakes. I knew that when I wrote, it relaxed me. I knew that when I read and learned about spirituality, I could see clearly.

I couldn’t let other people’s actions, even the people who brought me to this planet, change my future. It was my future. I got to tell that story.

Now, my relationship with faith changed as I grew up but my connection to spirituality is the same. My writing-self took many shapes over the years but the act of creating results in the same centering.

It is no surprise that I went into a field (marketing) that requires constant creativity or that I take yoga classes that are spiritually based, not workout based. I am driven by the desire to create and to feel connected. That is who I am.

If I have had a crazy week running my kids around, or on tons of conference calls, and more, and more that I didn’t stop to meditate or stop to write or stop to create, I am completely wound up. Sort of like that run-on sentence ;)

So, what does that mean for you?

Core identifiers, are the core mechanisms that drive you. They may change and shift over time but recognizing these are the keys to understanding yourself. We are all unique. So everyone’s combinations will differ. You might have two, you might have five. Think about it.

Does going for a run immediately clear your head?
Does a success at work, whether small or large, elate you for days?
Does checking a box, no matter if it says “check off this box” relieve the tension in your chest?
Does chatting with a friend, or friends, at a bar make you feel part of the world?

I have plenty of friends, who are physically driven. Working out, playing in a softball league, taking a class, or anything that gets that feeling connected to their body is essential to their well being. Yes, we all should be healthy but this core identifier requires you to engage in physical activity. I love to run but if I don’t run, I’m not feeling out of the norm or not like myself.

Some people are driven by accomplishments. I see you list makers! If this is the case, you know what you have to do. You create small milestones for yourself to keep you checking, to keep you going.

Bottom line: Without engaging or interacting with that which drives you, leaves you standing in a room, or standing in your life, with the lights off. You are searching to take the next step, hoping you don’t step on the crushed cheerio or dinosaur.…you have no control over the light switch on the wall. You have no control over your next move.

The issue is, life is crazy. We have kids, we have high pressured jobs, we have sick family to take care of, we have bills to pay, a house to fix, a car to maintain, a friend who needs you, and the list grows as we do. And with all this responsibility and care for others, our attention to the things that drive us just goes away. Little by little so you don’t even notice.

I’m asking you to notice.

Make a list of what these core directives are…and NO they are not “spending time with your kids.” Maybe it is “exploring” or “learning” or “playing outdoors” but it is about what personal experience directs your happiness. Ask yourself how you are - or are not - engaging with these identifiers. Pick one small action that wakes you up. Put your hand on the light switch, it is yours to control.

Love,

Anastasia