The Metamorphasis of a Mom

You get married, you have kids, and then… what the hell happened to YOU. The real you, the you that you used to be. Where did she go?! Where did this anxiety and fear come from? Where did my friendships go? No one really talks about this part. The journey is so beautiful, so when your in it, I don’t think you really feel it, or even know that it’s happening. Don’t get me wrong, I felt the tension, I felt the anxiety, I was obviously aware of the fights with my husband… but until I truly wanted to see it, and work on it, and search for answers internally… until I chose to get the help that I needed, I didn’t really SEE it.

This was my journey… I was always carefree, adventurous, wild. I didn’t have a care in the world growing up. I was even reckless at times. It’s amazing how invincible you feel when you are young.

I went to college, made friends that became family, and had some of the most amazing years of my life. I graduated, and for awhile getting together with my college friends was easy, even though we were all in different states. Vacations were easy to plan. We had new careers, vacation time, and the rest of the time we could dedicate to each other. Then one by one we met our future husbands. They became part of our family. But, there was also a weird spot in my friendships. I hadn’t quite reconnected with my home friends yet, and my college friends were so far away. I met new people along the way… some would remain in my life, others would not. It was fine. We were young, we were having fun, we had some responsibilities, but looking back- man, we were still babies.

We got married. The weddings seemed like they were every weekend… and they were FUN! I loved our wedding so much. We celebrated for a full weekend with all of the people that we loved the most. Not long after, we found out that we were expecting our first baby together. We’d been parents the whole time, Mike had a 4 year old daughter, Faith, so I was lucky enough to be an insta-mom, but this was our first baby together, the first baby I would grow and birth. We were scared, excited, shocked and thankful that it happened so quickly.

9 months later came Michael, and I completely changed. It was a good change, but one that I would have to explore, understand, and learn about. I would have to understand, and accept the new me, and learn to navigate her. GONE was the carefree girl, in came the anxiety, the need to stay home, the need to adhere to a strict schedule. I still don’t believe that this part was all bad. What really affected me was the anxiety of being a new mom, and this new stage of life. Friends who weren’t yet in the same stage couldn’t really relate, and my son was too young for me to really meet “mom friends”. I spent a lot of time at home, and feared that going anywhere would interfere with breastfeeding, or naps. It’s hard to meet “mom friends” with young babies. I spent many years in this stage, and honestly grew a bit resentful of my husbands freedom, and social life. I loved being a mom, don’t get me wrong, but I also lost sight of who I was. My next son, James, came into the world, just short of 2 years later. Babies, are amazing and magical, but they certainly put a strain on marriage. No matter how hard things were, Mike and I always, always fought for our relationship, though. Socially, I had friends, my constants were always there (shout out Lauren and Allison!), but it was hard to find time to get together, and so I rarely saw my friends at home, and it became increasingly hard to plan trips to see my college family. I felt alone, and again, resented my husbands ability to keep his freinds and social life. I rarely took time for myself… maybe I felt guilty, maybe I just had no motivation… I’m not quite sure why. My life was literally ALL ABOUT MY KIDS. I was working from home and there were days I didn’t get out of my pajamas, or brush my hair. I was the prime example of being “in a rut”.

But still, I wanted one more baby. We tried for awhile, and it proved more difficult this time. I suffered an early miscarriage. This time period was torture. I wanted that baby so badly. Luckily, I became pregnant again, quickly after. It proved to be a very difficult pregnancy. They told me I would lose her, but SHE proved everyone wrong. She arrived, had a very difficult beginning (we’ll discuss this another time), and continued to have “global developmental delays”. She didn’t sit when she was supposed to, didn’t crawl when she was supposed to- you get the gist.

I was home at this point, having been fired from my job due to my high risk pregnancy (can we say added stress?!) My husband obviously felt for me, but he also saw me home, without seeing or understanding the amount or pressure and work that I had, and he expected A LOT from a new mama. We fought a lot. We had one income now, a child with special needs, and we started resenting each other and taking a lot of stuff out on each other. We came the closest that we ever had to splitting up. We had always worked SO hard to make this relationship work. We never gave up, but we were both just at our wits end.

We needed help. I needed help. I had officially lost myself. Who was this angry person? Who was this unhappy person? It felt horrible. I so badly wanted to be carefree and happy. For my husband, for my kids, for ME! During this time, my kids started their elementary school education. I never knew, or expected how monumental this would be… yes, yes for them, but mostly for ME! haha…

I got the help I needed, and I started becoming the person that I wanted to be again. I was happy, I was calmer, I could diffuse a situation, and I could think rationally. I took the time to make myself look nice, which made me FEEL good. I also started meeting other moms that were just like me! Wait, we all go through this sort of stuff?! Wait, other moms have this anxiety? Other moms feel this socially isolated? Other moms lose their shit constantly?! Other moms yell at their kids, then look at their little faces and have the most intense mom guilt ever?! Other moms don’t have perfect marriages like everyone pretends to have? YOU DON’T SAY!

I reconnected with childhood friends, and I met new friends from my children’s school- yes, you guessed it… this is where NICOLE COMES IN!!!! I finally met my mom crew. Finally. I had seen other people meet their mom friends. I wondered why the hell I couldn’t, and I finally did. I also finally realized that I DESERVED ME TIME. I realized how important this time was. And I finally found people that I wanted to spend my “me time” with. We had girls nights, worked out together, and put ourselves first once in awhile (MOMS THIS IS OK AND SO IMPORTANT TO DO!) My childhood friends and I started having weekend getaways to Woodstock, NY every four months or so. These girls are my people. They get me. I can be my crazy, stupid self around them. We laugh, we cry, and we can literally sit in a house for 3 days and don’t get bored or sick of each other.

My mom friends are kind of just like me. I found my people. We don’t take ourselves seriously, at all. We can let loose and have fun. We love being moms, and wives, but we can also make fun of this shitshow that is parenting. We are real with each other, we are honest- we tell it like it is. And there is absolutely ZERO judgement. It is crucial, and important to all of us. we respect each other, we respect how the others parent, and we relate.

This journey has been CRAZY. It has taught me so much. I finally have clarity, I am comfortable with who I am, and I am the happiest that I’ve ever been. I’ve chosen to sit back, reflect, learn, and change myself to make myself, and quite frankly, the ones I love, happier. It is so important to be honest about your journey- you never know who needs to hear it. From the outside, it might all look perfect, but holy shit, it took A LOT of work, and a lot of amazing people to get here. I know it won’t always be great… and there are certainly tough days. But with my support group, the changes I’ve made, and the help I’ve gotten, it is so much easier to accept those tough times, and challenges. I feel positive, happy, and so SO thankful for my husband, friends, family, and especially my little monsters that challenge me every single day, but are also the main reason that I am where I am today.

So, if you’re feeling lost in it all, don’t give up. You are NOT alone. There are many moms like you. You WILL find yourself. And please, please, take the time to do that. Work on yourself, work on your marriage if you need to. Work on all of this for yourself and your kids. Seek out others for help… send us a message- we’ve been there! We’re all in this together <3.

With love,

Lyndsay

What led me here.