What led me here.
Photo credit: Jennifer Lynn Photography
I sit here, at the end of a hard day, still finding gratitude for my family, our health and all of the good. I never imagined that I would be stuck at home, in the midst of a global pandemic trying to homeschool my 3 daughters who as of late, seem to have an ongoing competition of who can make me cry first. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand that their world has been flipped upside down as well- It’s been hard on us all.
As a child I always dreamed of getting married and having kids. Well, that part came true, but the journey didn’t go as expected.
I met Pete a few weeks before I turned 25. The second he walked into my kitchen I knew he was the one. Barf- I know, but it’s true. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t always been easy, but I feel pretty lucky to have him as my husband. The verdict is still out on how we connected, there’s his story, and mine. But you’re only going to get mine.
After graduating from High School, I went straight to Cosmetology school. I had formed some good friends in high school, but lost touch with most of them after. I made some friends along that way and quickly plowed into my career and worked my butt off. I was working at a salon and learning as much as I could about hair. I loved my job. I loved my clients. I got to connect with so many different people on a daily basis and I have made so many friendships that remain to this day. I never looked at it as work. Not many people can say that they get paid to hang out with their friends, gossip, and do what they love. By far my favorite part is the wealth of knowledge that I get from these ladies. Everything from relationship advice to parenting advice. I’m so grateful that they have paved the way for me and have given me so many tools along the way. My clients have become my family, most of them have had kids with me, our kids play together, we laugh about the cute things our kids do, we cry when it gets tough, but we also reassure each other that its just a phase, and we will make it through. I am so lucky.
After building a solid clientele, I was ready put myself out there and meet someone to build a life with. So I did what everyone else my age was doing and I joined Match. Serendipitously we connected. It turns out he was friends with my brother Jamie, and we had numerous friends in common. After a few email exchanges, I invited him over for dinner. Don’t get me wrong- I would NEVER invite a complete stranger over for dinner, but the more friends I asked about him, the more sense it made. It didn’t hurt that my brother and a few friends came over to my apartment to “supervise” our fist date. As soon as he walked into my house, I noticed how bright his smile was, and I loved that he smiled with his eyes. We sat down to eat and instantly it was like I’d known him my entire life. We officially started dating on November 11, and things just fell into place. It was so easy, we just worked so well together. About a year into our relationship we started talking about marriage and how we wanted to get married on 11/11/11.
Pete is an only child. I come from a large Italian family. Pete doesn’t drink, I occasionally partake... we were and are different people, but we work. One of my favorite parts of this story is when I met his longtime friend Stacy. They met in high school and were basically kin. Stacy was always so driven, and spontaneous. She had just met her now husband, Doug, around the same time that Pete and I met. They moved into the coolest apartment in Brooklyn and witnessed Pete asking me to marry him on their rooftop, overlooking the East River. It’s a night I will never forget.
08/09/10
Fast forward to 11/11/11. Stacy officiated our wedding. Our wedding was the best night of our lives, and everyone came to party! We danced all night long, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing! Stacy and I became best friends, and Pete loves to remind people that she was his friend first.
Pete and I talked about having kids, and I went off of birth control the month we got married. Our whole relationship we traveled a lot and had so many adventures. We wanted to keep doing that and figured that when I got pregnant, it would be meant to be. Never in a million years did I think I was going to get pregnant that month. I found out on New Years Eve that I was pregnant, after not feeling so great and boy, what a surprise it was!!! We delayed our Honeymoon until the end of January. It wasn’t ideal to go on our honeymoon newly pregnant, but we were thrilled. Right away, I had such morning sickness, and was so nauseous all day long. It wasn’t fun and didn't make for an enjoyable trip. Half way through our trip, the nausea lifted and I had a pit in my stomach that something was wrong. When we got back from our honeymoon I had my first OB appointment to check for a heartbeat, and to our disappointment, there wasn’t one. I was shattered and instantly went into such a dark place. I cried for a long time. We had already told a good amount of people that we were expecting and the thought of telling them we no longer were was devastating. I quickly went into survivor mode and wanted to put it past me and pretend it never happened. Bad call, Nicole. I would often wake myself up from sobbing in my sleep. I took a lot of my feelings out on Pete, who didn’t show me much emotion. Turns out he was just as crushed as I was, but he was trying to stay strong for me. I had so many questions: will I ever be a Mom? Will I be able to get pregnant again? I was so mad at my body, it failed me, it was broken. I felt so alone.
We tried for a few months to get pregnant again. I never wanted to get pregnant right way, but since I did and lost it, I was now determined. Every period brought back a flood of so many emotions and questions, and put me back into that dark place. Then, just when I told myself that I have to stop overthinking it, I got pregnant with Bertie.
My pregnancy with Bertie was easy, except the constant nausea. To my surprise at 37 weeks, I woke up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and my water broke! I couldn’t believe it. I figured it was best to labor at home and let Pete sleep in as it isn’t helpful to have a tired husband as I go through labor. I waited till 6 am, and called Stacy. I knew she would be awake with her 6 month old, Rylee. She instantly knew that something was up when I called. I had been contracting for 2 hours at that point and haven’t even called the doctor. As soon as I called the doctor, I was told to rush to the hospital. 37 weeks, how is this possible? I didn’t even pack my hospital bag yet!! I jumped in the shower, shaved my legs and blew out my hair because I knew it would be the last time I was going to do it before I had a baby. We got to the hospital and they set me up in a monitoring room. One nurse was setting me up on the monitor and the other was making small talk and checking how far dilated I was. I watched as her face changed from light hearted to concern. She told me that instead of feeling the baby’s head, she felt her foot. My stomach sank. I knew that meant I needed a C-section. They called in the doctor and she quickly confirmed my biggest fear. She ripped the monitor chords off, threw scrubs at Pete, and told him to change as they prepped me for surgery. I don’t remember much about it except that I kept telling myself to take deep breaths, it was going to be ok. Before I knew it, there she was. Miss Bertie Elizabeth Blechner. She was SO tiny and looked exactly like me!!! I couldn’t believe it, just like that my nausea and pain went away and I was so in love.
Bertie Elizabeth Blechner
Recovering from a C section wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, I was totally in awe of our creation, therefore I had no time to think about the pain. I tried so hard to breast feed. For the first 2 weeks, I cried every feeding. It was so painful and she wasn’t latching properly. Right before Bertie’s checkup I went to change her diaper and found blood in it. It was so scary. I folded up the diaper and put it in the diaper bag and went right to the doctor. Turns out she has a milk allergy. I gave a little more effort into breastfeeding and came to the conclusion, it wasn’t for me. The first few months of Bertie’s life were a blur and we were shocked to learn that I was pregnant again… Bertie was only 4 months old! I honestly don’t remember my pregnancy with Nova as I was very distracted with Bertie. I decided to have another C-section. I didn’t want to try for a VBAC only 14 months after my first section. Nova was an easy baby and I felt like I had twins since they were only 14 months apart.
Nova Grace Blechner
At that point Pete and I were very happy with our two girls and felt that our family was complete. We then embarked on a new adventure. Our house. We Moved in with my Mom as Pete renovated our house. I hardly saw Pete. He worked his regular job as a contractor, then after that went to our house and worked into the early hours in the morning. Low and behold, we had yet another surprise. Let me just tell you all, the pull out method is NOT a good form of birth control!!!
Phebie Jane Blechner
My whole pregnancy with Phebie was a tough one. I suffered from preeclampsia and was on bed rest for the last third of it. It was so hard to stay in bed with 2 little ones running around. Thankfully, I had the help of my Mother and Aunt with the girls. But can you say Mom guilt? It was so hard. I would just lay in bed and cry. Due to the preeclampsia, they had to take Phebie 3 weeks early. She came out as perfect as can be, and has rocked our world ever since. She is small but mighty, a force of nature. She rules our worlds and we wouldn’t have it any other way. I mean, who doesn’t love getting bossed around by a 3 year old all day?
I think most mom’s can relate to the fact that you lose yourself in your children. I was a baby making machine for basically 4 years straight. Bertie was 3.5 years old when I had Phebie. I felt like I lost myself, and I was too distracted to even notice! I was on auto pilot and one day just seemed to blend into the next.
First day of Kindergarten, Pre-K and 2’s.
Time passed, and before I knew it my little Bird was ready for KINDERGARTEN!!! How did that happen? She was just learning how to walk and now she’s starting school?? The day was here, her first day. We gathered in the gym for their send-off. It was a packed gym, and it was so hard keeping track of 3 little ones. All of the sudden I looked over to see a little blonde boy with glasses barrel over Phebie, and a concerned Mom come over to make sure she was ok. You probably guessed it, it was Lyndsay. James magnetically attracted to Phebie, and so their their tumultuous friendship began. We said good-bye to the kindergarteners and hauled ass to the pre-k drop off. You’ll never guess who happened to be in the same Pre-school as Nova- James! I was SO happy to see Lyndsay there as well. New friend? Even better….carpool buddy (just kidding Lyndsay… king of) ?!?! Michael and Bertie were in one school, and James and Nova were in another 15 minutes away. Me being the more outgoing of the two, walked right up to her and suggested we carpool even though I’ve only “known” her for an hour at this point. For all I know, she could be a psycho killer and I was basically giving her my child. But when you have 3 kids at 3 different schools you do whatever it takes to make your life that much easier. (Remember this is a non-judgment zone here people). This was 2 years ago, and since then my life has just seemed to come together. I have built so many amazing friendships, found old friendships, and my friendships that were always solid, still are.
I have learned a lot. Mostly, that things will definitely not work out or turn out as you may have expected. Not that they turn out wrong, in fact, I couldn’t have written a better story if I tried. I guess, the main thing that I want to stress, is that it’s so easy to fall into the mom rut, and lose yourself. But, there are so many ups and downs, and they all happen for a reason. You can, and will pick yourself up, move on from the losses, marital strifes, kid issues, loneliness. Although this time has been one of the most difficult times of everyones life, The Corona Virus and all that has come with it, has also given me the time to reflect, fix myself, and create this amazing platform with Lyndsay that will bring us all together and let us know that we are not alone. We did this, because we don’t want anyone to feel alone like we did at one point in time. We know how that feels, and we want to create a community that understands each other. Join us, and let us make you laugh, or help you if you need it. We’ve been through it all!
All my love,
Nicole
