Embrace the Mush

Coping with Divorce, and becoming a single mom.

By: Melinda Cragan Lindland

I am a mother and an executive. And two years ago I added (unexpectedly) the two words ‘divorced’ and ‘single’ to that mix. So now, divorced single mother and executive.

How I have responded to this turn of events in truth has surprised even me. My divorce was a shock. My husband fell in love. With someone else.

I could have let that ruin me. Ruin my kids. Ruin what I let them think of their dad. Ruin my ability to successfully co-parent with him. And, to enjoy it.

But here’s the thing: None of that is necessary. I read another one of the blog posts and it echoes how I feel. We choose our happiness. I have chosen to be happy and to still love and appreciate the man I co-parent with. I tell my children he is still one of Mommy’s best friends. And he is. And their eyes sparkle with gratitude.

Their eyes sparkle with gratitude

Enjoying Mommy/Son time

This post is not about forgiving a spouse who made a strange choice. It’s about realizing that your choices, and how you rally after divorce, that those two things ONLY HAVE TO MAKE SENSE TO YOU. No, really. Repeat it.

How you rally only has to make sense to you. Don’t waste energy rationalizing to others. They mean well. They love you. But they are not you. Keep your eyes in the mirror. You do you. You will be a better parent for it. 

A sudden divorce means you have to re-invent your approach to parenting, almost overnight. The day one or the other of you moves out. We had been a balanced unit. Father and Mother united and the blend of responsibilities those roles bring – with a few refinements for our own interpretations (because, hello .. modern times .. roles are a big blur and isn’t that awesome?).

In a blink, I was shouldering my parenting days all by myself. Dad very much still a fixture in the boys’ lives but no longer in my assigned days with them to help navigate the constant scramble of raising two super active (and not  overly compliant) little boys.

I’m sure my close friends will recount that transition period as one where I was a bit of a mess. Trying so hard to have life feel normal, to keep my job, to embrace my new life, to mourn the loss of someone I loved. All while trying to remember how to wear make up and dry my hair like I did the last time I had a hot second to think about self care.

To the moms who may have a friend going through a divorce, embrace the mush, and let her do the same. Her choices won’t be awesome during this time but they won’t last forever. Advice can feel patronizing, especially suggestions to ‘just spend some time on your own’ or ‘learn to love yourself’ or ‘develop new interests’ and not to ‘need a man.’ Spin this around and ask yourself: Would I say it to a married friend? If the answer is no, don’t say it to someone in a divorce. If our marriage ended, it doesn’t mean we don’t have outside interests, self-love or the ability to be on our own. It means we are sad, adjusting, and possibly indulging in a few months when for once we aren’t expected to be perfect.

To the moms who may be going through a divorce, same message: Embrace the mush. It’s a messy time. You’re going to screw up. You are going to field more unsolicited advice than you got even when you were pregnant. Know this: Your friends love you fiercely and THEY TOO are doing the best they can to be there. There isn’t a rule book for how to be there for someone, what to say, how to act. Just (try to) accept any gesture and when you need to, re-set expectations if there is too much of any one trait:  Protectiveness, judgement, concern, pressure, sympathy.

 So now that we have twice used the ‘Embrace the Mush’ term, let’s trace it’s origin. I mentioned before that I am an executive. I run an agency in the City. I love my work and I am super intense about it. While mild mannered at home, I can ratchet up quickly in the office with super high expectations, a strong POV on how to drive the business, and a firm belief in guardrails to keep teams delivering at the top of their skillset. Enter Johnny Marques. Johnny was our Executive Creative Director. He has an imagination and love of people that is contagious. He sensed my struggle letting go and my well intentioned (but over-cooked) desire for perfection. Gave me a quick little talk to Embrace the Mush and realize that the best work comes from fluid space for our brains to work. It changed everything about how approached the team. The results showed.

Some days I remember to do the same with my kids. Those are my best days.

I think remembering to ‘Embrace the Mush’ in all things motherhood is an awesome goal, and I would offer it as a personal credo to anyone going through or traveling sidecar with someone getting divorced. Take the notion of ‘should’ or ‘should not’ and put both in the dumpster. You ‘CAN’ if you want to. Your choices have just opened up.

As a bit of an epilogue to my situation, and my firm stance on your choices just making sense to you: I have decided to be openly loving and supportive of my ex as an awesome father to the boys and co-parent and friend of mine. It’s not a choice everyone can understand. For me, it is what works. We had a decade of friendship before dating and 18 great years together. He was an exceptional husband until one day, he just wasn’t. And, I was perfectly imperfect as a wife. I am able to compartmentalize the end of our marriage and enjoy this man and our redefined family unit. What was harder for me than making this choice was feeling like I had to defend it. Often. Until one day I just stopped, because it made sense to me. Could there be more rigid way to approach things? Sure. Maybe. But hey, I’m over here swimming around in the mush and my kids and I are all much happier for it.

Momality Guest Blogger, Melinda Cragan Lindland