The Art of Co-Parenting

Our Modern Family

In text, it’s quite simple. We choose to get along. It wasn’t always that easy, and there are times when it still isn’t. We are a family after all, and family definitely has its ups and downs!

I met Faith, my step-daughter, when she was 4 years old. I can’t even believe it’s been that long. I was dating her dad, and her mom had a new relationship as well. We had the awkward first meetings… I met with Faith’s mom, Claudia, and the guys met. It was a kind of, “Ok, we’ve met, just remember she’s my daughter, and let’s be respectful.” We had to figure out how her time would be spent. There was a lot of back and forth, and eventually it was Wednesday, Sunday, and every other weekend.

Then came the other battles: “We bought her that shirt, why didn’t it come back to our house?!”, or “Why did she wear THAT to school today?!”

These issues would eventually fall on poor Faith: “Faith, you need to remember to bring your stuff back and forth! We barely have any clothes here for you!”

Which led to hostile phone calls: “Please pack up all of our clothes (our clothes?!) that you have at your house for Faith to bring Wednesday!”

This went on for awhile. We were cordial, but there seemed to always be an issue. Whether it was someone dropping her off late, someone mistaking Matt for her dad, or me for her mom, a story that was told, time that needed to be made up, days that needed to be switched. My biggest regret (and I’m sure it goes both ways) were the times where it was a special occasion, like a birthday, but it was the other parents time, and neither would give that time up so that Faith could celebrate the day with that parent. That still haunts me to this day. And I hear other families that co-parent going through the same thing, “My birthday is on my ex’s day, so I won’t see my child that day”, and it just breaks my heart. Switch the day!! Put your pride aside, and think of your children.

There’s a LOT that goes into co-parenting. It’s HARD to give up control, and to put your differences, opinions, and past issues aside to make sure that the child or children involved feel happy and loved. People look at us now, and can’t believe how close we all are. They question how the hell we do it, how we all get along so well. Well, I’ll tell you… it took time, and it took work. It took us all maturing. It even took some really bad situations to get us here.

Faith was eventually with us half and half. We literally split the month in half, 15 days and 15 days. She was back and forth A LOT. She would cry at night and tell us some bizarre reason why. I now realize she missed her mom, and the back and forth was a lot for her. She would act out and go to her moms and make it seem like she had the worst time with us, and a lot of the times I was made out to be a monster. It was confusing. When she was with us, we had a great time. We would all tell her that it doesn’t make any of us happy to hear bad things about the other parent. But kids are smart… she would pick up a vibe or overhear stuff, and she wanted everybody to feel better. Now that’s a lot of pressure on a child.

It went on like this for awhile. Eventually, even through all of this, the parents all became closer. I had my two sons, Michael, and James, and was working from home some days, and in NJ other days. We had used a site to find sitters, but it never worked out. One was so bad that we had to send Claudia and Matt (Faith’s step-dad) over to our house (I was in NJ at the time) to send the sitter home. From then on, Claudia watched our boys. Yup, this is the start to our very modern family. While this was an amazing time period there were, you guessed it, ups and downs. Faith was obviously happy to have us all together, and to get to see her mom on days when she was at our house, but I think she missed her alone time with her. She had to share her dad with me, her mom with Matt, and after 10 years she had to give up her only child status for her brothers. Now, she had to share her mom with her step-mom and new brothers too?!

Faith had some trouble transitioning into the big sister role, which is normal for any child, especially with a big age gap. For the most part, she was AMAZING. But it was naturally a tough transition at times. She had to share attention that was always hers. Michael always seemed older than he was and we would have a 10 year old arguing with a 1 year old. She would obviously get in trouble at times for that. When Michael was 2-3 she really knew how to push his buttons, and would drive him absolutely nuts. She was getting in trouble by me and her mom. She felt ganged up on. These were all growing pains, and looking back, it’s crazy how clear things were.

Eventually, Claudia had to move on with her own life, and stopped watching the boys. I think it was a breath of fresh air for Faith.

Girl time + Tiger King got a little weird.

A few months later, a family situation happened that led us all down a pretty dark path. It put a strain on mine and Mike’s relationship with Faith, and our relationship with Claudia and Matt. Thankfully, it eventually all worked out, and Faith got more of a say in things. It was a huge change. She wasn’t forced to go anywhere- it was up to her. Which was good, but also extremely hurtful at times for us. Why did we have to beg our daughter to spend a night with us? It turns out she just needed time to figure it all out. That time was so hard on us. We missed her, we were hurt, she was hurt. She now spends around 2 nights a week with us. For awhile, it was dinner one night, and one sleepover. Eventually, SHE decided to spend more time with us- wow, that felt good! She must have finally realized how freaking cool we are, right?! Now, she will come to just hang with her brothers and me, or to have dinner, or to spend the night. My relationship with Faith has never been better. I have so much fun with her. We laugh a lot. The other night she even asked if we could have girl time- just her and I. We watched TV, made TikTok videos, dressed up, and laughed nonstop.

I love Claudia and Matt like they are family. We have grown so close through all of this. They even spend holiday’s with us. It sucks having to split Holiday’s, and when we can all be together, why not do that?! Claudia and I don’t only hang out when it comes to family events. We do girls nights out, we run, we put our babies- Faith’s new brother from her mom, and new sister from me- in little music classes together. Faith had a sister from her dad and I, and a brother from Claudia and Matt less than 2 months apart! We take Faith to concerts and fun events together- just the girls. We also hang out when Faith can’t even come— shhhh don’t tell her!

I wouldn’t’ change this journey for anything, even the hard parts. Wait, I’m lying. I would have been a better step-mom in the beginning. I wish there was a class on this. I would have understood things from Claudia’s side, and Faith’s side more. I was protective of Mike… I wanted him to have time with his daughter- he deserved that! But in the beginning, it should have been handled differently. That being said, there is no guide book for how to do this. And it is SO hard. There is a learning curve, and nothing is ever perfect, so we had to experience those growing pains to be where we are today. A family. A family that loves each other so much. A family where I would jump in front of a bullet for my husband’s ex. A family where when things are going wrong, or are hard, I can call Claudia and Matt for help and vice versa. I have to give it to us, we’ve always handled disciplining Faith, and decisions regarding Faith as a unit. Now the relationship matches that unity. I always wondered, in my weaker moments, why this was my path… why it had to be so difficult. I always believed there was a reason for everything, but where was this going?! I now fully understand WHY my life has gone the way that it has. And I couldn’t be MORE grateful for every high and low, every up and down, every triumph and hardship along the way.

Claudia and I always joke that we should teach classes about how to do this. I’m so happy that I now have a platform to share our story. I hope it can help others. My main advice is to put the children first. Parent as a unit. Don’t punish them for your past or mistakes. A child needs their mom and dad, if they’re lucky enough to have both. Be present and united for your child, or children, and if you can find it in you to be friends, try that too. Because it’s amazing for everyone involved.

Please, please feel free to reach out if you relate, or need advice. Know that if it’s hard now, it will get better, and it will get easier. Be kind, be open-minded, and most importantly, be there for the kids.

XOXO

Lyndsay

It was all a phase…

What led me here.